The Chapters in Which A Lapsed American Tries to Reinsert Himself Into Society

Hey folks. Well, I might not be in good old Europa anymore but I can still write a blog right? In fact, I was so far behind that I really have quite a few stories and locations coming up. In the future look for Amsterdam, Cologne, The Canary Islands, Mexico, and much much more! Today's unrelated pictures are from a trip I took to Castle Lictenstein and the alluringly names Mist Cave.
Today I'm going to try something different. Having been absent for the states for so long I sort of feel like a foreigner myself. So in this blog entry I am going to test my Americanosity the only way I know how.
I am going to guess movie plots by the name alone. I know, I know, but I really think that if I can get at least 50 percent right it will prove something about me. I haven't been exposed to any advertising for any of the movies that are out in theaters right now (except maybe know who it stars from a movie poster) and I don't have any prior knowledge. So... here... we...go.
Marley & Me
1st Guess: A touching biopic about the narrators close but often confusing relationship with reggae great bob Marley. Some original footage is included but mostly its completely fictionalized. The Marley family fought hard to have it not be made but what can you do, white people wanted to make it. It's probably so-so.

2nd Guess: Marley is the name of either a dog or monkey or seal that is friends with a child. The pet probably doesn't talk but is personified in other ways (maybe it eats dinner at the table). Heatwarming family fun for all. The mother is divorced and meets a man through the dog's antics. A bad movie.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: A family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog.

Score: 100 Americas out of 100!!!!

Wow, off to a great start. Maybe I knew what this was about subconciously somehow but I am pretty impressed with myself. You can not count this one if you want, it seems almost impossible that I would have just guessed so accurately.
Bedtime Stories
1st Guess: J-horror imported and worsened for American audiences. A creepy little girl with straight black hair is an evil ghost and no one knows why. She terrifies children who are hearing bedtime stories or something. Starring almost mute but very pretty blonde actress with no personality. Not worth seeing.

2nd Guess: M Night Shamalyian's (not gonna spell check that) newest movie. Three vignettes told in the style of bedtime stories. M. Night is the narrator and he is bluntly self inserted reading the stories to his own real-life son. The first one is about ghosts, the second aliens, the third some kind of stupid monster. There are three twists in the stories and then a 4th even larger twist at the end, like maybe the stories were real and the narration was actually a story. It is exremely bad.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: A family comedy about a hotel handyman whose life changes when the lavish bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to magically come true.

Score: 40 Canadas out of 100 Americas.

I was pretty far off with the percieved genre, who would have thought a movie called "Bedtime Stories" was actually for kids? I am giving myself points for guessing that bedtime stories would magically be coming true.
Yes Man (I know that this stars Jim Carey somehow)
1st Guess: A long awaited sequal to Liar Liar in which Jim Carey can now lie as much as he wants but he has to say yes to everything people ask him to do. He goes sky diving and stuff and then maybe gets tricked into committing a crime when some femme fatale discovers his flaw. Hilarity ensues further when he is asked at police headquarters if he would like to be cavaty searched. Everything is ok in the end. Movie is so bad it makes you wish Jim Carey had stopped acting after Ace Ventura 2.

2nd Guess: Jim Carey is a magical elf that has the power to say "yes" to people's wishes. He goes around giving people exactly what they want with glee but it turns out that sometimes exactly what you want is not exactly what you need. He also learns this lesson despite being some kind of mythical being. Maybe he falls in love. A movie I wouldn't see ever.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: A guy challenges himself to say "yes" to everything for an entire year.

Score: 80 Texases out of 100 Americas.

Whelp. Wrap it up American Movie Industry. I've got you down cold. Except maybe the source of his saying yes is self induced and not magical, but otherwise a pretty awesome guess. Maybe the movie is just named really well. By the way, I tried this very same self-experiment about 8 months ago and it turned out pretty awesome. I went to Europe. Consequently this might not be.
Seven Pounds (starring the Fresh Prince)
1st Guess: Will Smith has to lose or gain 7 pounds in order to land an important movie roll. It is really important to him for some reason and is very dramatic. Maybe he isn't an actor but is either a boxer or a wrestler who needs to be of a certain weight class to compete. I am kind of at a loss, 7 pounds being important enough to be a title is kind of tough. Regardless, he is gruff and unlikable until a woman cracks his hard exterior. Probably not too bad since Will Smith is in it, but I'm still not going to see it.

2nd Guess: There is some important object that weighs 7 pounds that Will Smith has to transport over some distance. This is made difficult by the presence of ENEMIES and explosions. Possible things weighing 7 pounds: 7 pounds of drugs, a baby, a crystal skull. This movie sounds completely awesome, he might even say "Aw Hell Naw" in it.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: An IRS agent with a fateful secret embarks on an extraordinary journey of redemption by forever changing the lives of seven strangers.

Score: 20 Frances out of 100 Americas. :( :(

I got this one pretty wrong but I have to blame the title. I mean, what the hell? 7 pounds? I am giving myself a few points because I am still absolutely sure about the love interest. I might see this movie.
Valkyrie
1st Guess: I know it's not an enormous epic special effects extravaganza with a huge budget about legendary scandanavian warrior women in some fantasy world, but how cool would that be? More likely it's some modern woman who is brave about something and is therefor just like a Valkyrie. Maybe she kills men or maybe she gets raped. I don't care for it on a number of levels.

2nd Guess: Could also, inexplicably, be a war movie. I am thinking WWI or WWII, named after some secret file or some secret batallion or some secret ship. Maybe there were women fighting in the war SECRETLY. It's very gritty and uses a shakey-cam. I would rather not.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: Based on actual events, a plot to assassinate Hitler is unfurled during the height of WWII.

Score: 90 American Samoas out of 100 Americas!
I am pretty impressed here. Maybe again this is a case of vaguely repressed knowledge, but I think I am just a good guesser and a good American. It sounds kind of cool actually. Probably it is a femme fatale who tries to assassinate him and she probably does get raped at some point.
Well, this exercise was pretty awesome. Tune in next time when I do a few more since this was so fun. Peace fellas, keep on readin.
Castle Count: 11 by the way

An Intractable Moron Goes Home

WASSSSSUP!!!!
Haha, it's me, yer bro, an Intractable Moron. Jesse is too busy getting his bags packed and flying back to America to do a farewell blog so he asked me to do it for him (these are pictures of some lame town he was living in for like 2 months called tubbington or some lame s**t like that)
So I guess I am pretty happy cause guess why? I'm going back to America too, the greatest country on earth.
And todays blog entry is gonna tell you why sucka
First we have way awesomer stuff. You know like pink polo tshirts with popped collars and big SUVs although I guess they got less popular since some exonomic crisis or something (I love that game).
Second we have the baddest states, New Jersey, Texas, Boston, man there are so many great ones I forgot to name them all. Like california, I forgot to name that. Do you think that some lame s**t like baden-wuteverburg can compete with that (its got bad in its name for a reason!)
Hell no because you can't mess with the united state's states, these states don't run (not even from iraq!)!
Third of all how come Europitians are always talking out they mouth like they've got the most progressive countries or whatever when really they are a bunch of fassists. If have youre so free then how come you cant have guns?? Show me your guns europe and then we can talk like real men do (with guns).
Step four, sometimes on german magazine covers or books or something you can see a chick's titties right on the cover. Can you believe that s**t? Can we get something like that going down in america too? That one didnt have anything to do with the united states but ive been thinking about it a lot
And finally the fifth and final and most important reasons why I LOVE the united states better (never forget!) is because of all my awesome brosefs and brosefinas who are living there. THEY ARE CRAZY AND OUT OF CONTROL. Man I love you guys and so I'm coming back to chizill again w you all!!
Maybe not forever though, europe rocked pretty hard and so i'll probably come back some day like maybe when i'm not out of money!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

-An Intractable Moron

So What's so Great about the USA?

I don't know, but there's some appeal there still for me, or else I wouldn't be so excited about getting back. Unlike with Germany these reasons haven't been sitting in my head for the last months so I'll just have to see what I can come up with as I go along. Today's pictures are from my drive from Konstanz to Tuebingen (yes, we're leaving Konstanz now). Stopped on the way there at Insel Reichenau (featuring a church with the oldest murals in the europe or something) and Schloss Hohenzollern.
Well, for one there's costs. Everything is cheaper in the US. I guess this is the benefit of capitalism that is supposed to outweigh the threat of multiple debilitating stock market crashes. Seriously, things are that much cheaper. I can't count the number of times I've walked by a store window and seen things priced at levels that make me wonder if they're not secretly made of solid gold. I once saw a toy store selling an empty cardboard box for 20 euro. What exactly is it that can cause a hammer or a rocking horse or a sweater so expensive? I can only assume it has something to do with the government.
And there's another thing, everything goverment related costs much less. Want to know how much my driver's license cost me? 20 US dollars. The europeans reading this are probably just spilled their herbal teas all over their outdated computers. My passport? Only a little bit more. It's kind of frightening how much they expect you pay in Germany for these things. Anyone want to post what they paid for theirs in the comment section? (I know, this is a perfect example of an American talking about money. Did you guys know this was a stereotype they had about us?)
Speaking of outdated computers, technology doesn't seem to arrive here as quickly. In fact, nothing pop-culture and/or recreational does. Movies, TV shows, songs, technology, even my precious precious video games are all a few months late and at greatly expanded prices. I guess this is why America still matters, we have all the cool stuff.
A different but related point, the rap music is much better in America. There's just no comparison. Sure, Germany can claim to be the death metal champs (if they really want that title), but no one keeps it real or gets it crunk like America. Is there any other culture in the world that would come up with the concept of "making it rain"?
For fun, German Rap Youtubes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmQjCtuk2SY (from my girlfriend's hometown, Witten)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49KWQHQ1XFw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8nA_uOcEnc (from Berlin)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJPq0KN0YYQ (this one has a video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJHquLENKxM (German attempt at XZibit, if you're only going to watch one watch this one)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jvX_yMxc-8 (These guys are pretty cool and they're from right around here, love this video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4trBWTbzPw (at 1994 this must be German first-wave. Also featuring a REAL BLACK PERSON that they've imported from somewhere and oh my god a rapping Turkish Girl at 2:40)
Last time I was comparing I talked about how nice it is that nothing is standardized here. There's another side to that coin however, there is a safety in standardization. When you walk into a starbucks you can be sure that you're getting a good cup of coffee at a large size. I don't really drink coffee so I don't know how good this example is, but bare with me. If you order a coffee in a cafe in Germany you could be getting something the size of shot glass or a normal cup, something so black you can hardly drink it or something so light you can hardly taste it.
I feel like I'm getting really nit-picky now, but these small things add up. No one gives you water in Germany. I've been thirsty almost the whole time I've been here and that's because there are no public water fountains and no free drinks at restaurants. This might not sound much but it really adds up. Even when you do break down and order a water it's usually in a glass that would be called very small by American standards. The entire country must be dehydrated all the time.
And finally, and perhaps most importantly, the diversity of cultures in what I really miss. No matter how much it has strayed from it's origins America is still the melting pot. In Germany people have more or less agreed to one set of expectations, this is what makes much of what is so admirable about Germany possible. However you will never find a more diverse group of people in one country as you will in America. Interactions of culture are no where more complex and even better this is all encouraged.
Overall my explanation of these differences can be (over)simplified down to one point. America is young, Germany is old. America is still trying new things, changing, evolving. It is a living nation and it still has a lot of work ahead of it before it comes to rest with it's own place in the world and in history. The really exciting part of Germany's story is over. I say this not to be insulting, this is a good thing. It allows the country to run really smoothly and for it's people to have unparalleled comfort and security. Contrary to America, no one is saying that Germany is going to stop mattering within the next 10 to 20 years. Perhaps in a five hundred years America will look more like Germany, it's something worth aspiring to.
Castle Count: 10

An Intractable Moron Visits Europe

Hi everyone jesse's takin a break from blogging and so he asked me, an intractable moron, to write today's update for him. I'm supposed to talk about what things about europe I liked but lets be real europes not much of a country so its gonna be a short list lol
just kidding europe has been pretty good to me so far, but its no USA. Seriously god bless those 48 eagles (the states are the eagles, I don't count those other 2), never forget.
Anyway whats good about euope is mainly i think the free drinking
you can drink in public and anywhere and no one gives you a hard time, this one time I saw dude getting wasted in a church I SWEAR
And also kids are allowed to drink. or maybe thier not and just nobody cares if they do but really its the same. And this one time I went to amsterdamn and you KNOW what they do theyre am I right? HaHA just playing yo I don't admit to anything ;-))
so I guess number 1 is drinking, but it costs so much money. at first i thought it wasnt so expensive here just normla but than i noticed that they charge all your debit card in EUROES and that costs more for some reason and also my bank was a total DICKS about it and some kind of charge who knows.
the other cool thing is sometimes girls walk around with no shirt on on beaches. I havn't actully seen this but I heard on one message board that it's pretty common. I'd like to see that if you know what I mean ; )
But i guess it wouldn't be so great if they didn't shave there armpits I mean come on how gorss cant it possibly get?
And anoter good thing is that the girls here aren't so fat as they are in merica. Like if you ever walk through a wallmart DAMN thats some fat people and its not like that here for some reason.
Oh and also they eat trancefat here like ALL THE TIME I knew that stuff wasnt really bad for you they know whats up, If its so bad for you how come all of euopre aint fat huh??
So over al I think it was a good kind of thing to go to eurpoe because i saw a lot of things like arches and churchs and castels and old things like that but its worse cauze noone speaks english here and thats SUCKS
and also they have burger kings and stuff but the menu is different and it costs more what is UP With that?
One time I saw a anarchist
PEACE (-<)

-An intractable moron
(these pictures areof Insel Mainau or whatever its like a germany walt disney world but with plants and gardens instead of rides ops I almost forgot to say it what it was lol)