The Chapters in Which A Lapsed American Tries to Reinsert Himself Into Society

Hey folks. Well, I might not be in good old Europa anymore but I can still write a blog right? In fact, I was so far behind that I really have quite a few stories and locations coming up. In the future look for Amsterdam, Cologne, The Canary Islands, Mexico, and much much more! Today's unrelated pictures are from a trip I took to Castle Lictenstein and the alluringly names Mist Cave.
Today I'm going to try something different. Having been absent for the states for so long I sort of feel like a foreigner myself. So in this blog entry I am going to test my Americanosity the only way I know how.
I am going to guess movie plots by the name alone. I know, I know, but I really think that if I can get at least 50 percent right it will prove something about me. I haven't been exposed to any advertising for any of the movies that are out in theaters right now (except maybe know who it stars from a movie poster) and I don't have any prior knowledge. So... here... we...go.
Marley & Me
1st Guess: A touching biopic about the narrators close but often confusing relationship with reggae great bob Marley. Some original footage is included but mostly its completely fictionalized. The Marley family fought hard to have it not be made but what can you do, white people wanted to make it. It's probably so-so.

2nd Guess: Marley is the name of either a dog or monkey or seal that is friends with a child. The pet probably doesn't talk but is personified in other ways (maybe it eats dinner at the table). Heatwarming family fun for all. The mother is divorced and meets a man through the dog's antics. A bad movie.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: A family learns important life lessons from their adorable, but naughty and neurotic dog.

Score: 100 Americas out of 100!!!!

Wow, off to a great start. Maybe I knew what this was about subconciously somehow but I am pretty impressed with myself. You can not count this one if you want, it seems almost impossible that I would have just guessed so accurately.
Bedtime Stories
1st Guess: J-horror imported and worsened for American audiences. A creepy little girl with straight black hair is an evil ghost and no one knows why. She terrifies children who are hearing bedtime stories or something. Starring almost mute but very pretty blonde actress with no personality. Not worth seeing.

2nd Guess: M Night Shamalyian's (not gonna spell check that) newest movie. Three vignettes told in the style of bedtime stories. M. Night is the narrator and he is bluntly self inserted reading the stories to his own real-life son. The first one is about ghosts, the second aliens, the third some kind of stupid monster. There are three twists in the stories and then a 4th even larger twist at the end, like maybe the stories were real and the narration was actually a story. It is exremely bad.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: A family comedy about a hotel handyman whose life changes when the lavish bedtime stories he tells his niece and nephew start to magically come true.

Score: 40 Canadas out of 100 Americas.

I was pretty far off with the percieved genre, who would have thought a movie called "Bedtime Stories" was actually for kids? I am giving myself points for guessing that bedtime stories would magically be coming true.
Yes Man (I know that this stars Jim Carey somehow)
1st Guess: A long awaited sequal to Liar Liar in which Jim Carey can now lie as much as he wants but he has to say yes to everything people ask him to do. He goes sky diving and stuff and then maybe gets tricked into committing a crime when some femme fatale discovers his flaw. Hilarity ensues further when he is asked at police headquarters if he would like to be cavaty searched. Everything is ok in the end. Movie is so bad it makes you wish Jim Carey had stopped acting after Ace Ventura 2.

2nd Guess: Jim Carey is a magical elf that has the power to say "yes" to people's wishes. He goes around giving people exactly what they want with glee but it turns out that sometimes exactly what you want is not exactly what you need. He also learns this lesson despite being some kind of mythical being. Maybe he falls in love. A movie I wouldn't see ever.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: A guy challenges himself to say "yes" to everything for an entire year.

Score: 80 Texases out of 100 Americas.

Whelp. Wrap it up American Movie Industry. I've got you down cold. Except maybe the source of his saying yes is self induced and not magical, but otherwise a pretty awesome guess. Maybe the movie is just named really well. By the way, I tried this very same self-experiment about 8 months ago and it turned out pretty awesome. I went to Europe. Consequently this might not be.
Seven Pounds (starring the Fresh Prince)
1st Guess: Will Smith has to lose or gain 7 pounds in order to land an important movie roll. It is really important to him for some reason and is very dramatic. Maybe he isn't an actor but is either a boxer or a wrestler who needs to be of a certain weight class to compete. I am kind of at a loss, 7 pounds being important enough to be a title is kind of tough. Regardless, he is gruff and unlikable until a woman cracks his hard exterior. Probably not too bad since Will Smith is in it, but I'm still not going to see it.

2nd Guess: There is some important object that weighs 7 pounds that Will Smith has to transport over some distance. This is made difficult by the presence of ENEMIES and explosions. Possible things weighing 7 pounds: 7 pounds of drugs, a baby, a crystal skull. This movie sounds completely awesome, he might even say "Aw Hell Naw" in it.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: An IRS agent with a fateful secret embarks on an extraordinary journey of redemption by forever changing the lives of seven strangers.

Score: 20 Frances out of 100 Americas. :( :(

I got this one pretty wrong but I have to blame the title. I mean, what the hell? 7 pounds? I am giving myself a few points because I am still absolutely sure about the love interest. I might see this movie.
Valkyrie
1st Guess: I know it's not an enormous epic special effects extravaganza with a huge budget about legendary scandanavian warrior women in some fantasy world, but how cool would that be? More likely it's some modern woman who is brave about something and is therefor just like a Valkyrie. Maybe she kills men or maybe she gets raped. I don't care for it on a number of levels.

2nd Guess: Could also, inexplicably, be a war movie. I am thinking WWI or WWII, named after some secret file or some secret batallion or some secret ship. Maybe there were women fighting in the war SECRETLY. It's very gritty and uses a shakey-cam. I would rather not.
What it is according to IMDB.com's plot synopsis: Based on actual events, a plot to assassinate Hitler is unfurled during the height of WWII.

Score: 90 American Samoas out of 100 Americas!
I am pretty impressed here. Maybe again this is a case of vaguely repressed knowledge, but I think I am just a good guesser and a good American. It sounds kind of cool actually. Probably it is a femme fatale who tries to assassinate him and she probably does get raped at some point.
Well, this exercise was pretty awesome. Tune in next time when I do a few more since this was so fun. Peace fellas, keep on readin.
Castle Count: 11 by the way

So What's so Great about the USA?

I don't know, but there's some appeal there still for me, or else I wouldn't be so excited about getting back. Unlike with Germany these reasons haven't been sitting in my head for the last months so I'll just have to see what I can come up with as I go along. Today's pictures are from my drive from Konstanz to Tuebingen (yes, we're leaving Konstanz now). Stopped on the way there at Insel Reichenau (featuring a church with the oldest murals in the europe or something) and Schloss Hohenzollern.
Well, for one there's costs. Everything is cheaper in the US. I guess this is the benefit of capitalism that is supposed to outweigh the threat of multiple debilitating stock market crashes. Seriously, things are that much cheaper. I can't count the number of times I've walked by a store window and seen things priced at levels that make me wonder if they're not secretly made of solid gold. I once saw a toy store selling an empty cardboard box for 20 euro. What exactly is it that can cause a hammer or a rocking horse or a sweater so expensive? I can only assume it has something to do with the government.
And there's another thing, everything goverment related costs much less. Want to know how much my driver's license cost me? 20 US dollars. The europeans reading this are probably just spilled their herbal teas all over their outdated computers. My passport? Only a little bit more. It's kind of frightening how much they expect you pay in Germany for these things. Anyone want to post what they paid for theirs in the comment section? (I know, this is a perfect example of an American talking about money. Did you guys know this was a stereotype they had about us?)
Speaking of outdated computers, technology doesn't seem to arrive here as quickly. In fact, nothing pop-culture and/or recreational does. Movies, TV shows, songs, technology, even my precious precious video games are all a few months late and at greatly expanded prices. I guess this is why America still matters, we have all the cool stuff.
A different but related point, the rap music is much better in America. There's just no comparison. Sure, Germany can claim to be the death metal champs (if they really want that title), but no one keeps it real or gets it crunk like America. Is there any other culture in the world that would come up with the concept of "making it rain"?
For fun, German Rap Youtubes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmQjCtuk2SY (from my girlfriend's hometown, Witten)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49KWQHQ1XFw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8nA_uOcEnc (from Berlin)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJPq0KN0YYQ (this one has a video!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJHquLENKxM (German attempt at XZibit, if you're only going to watch one watch this one)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jvX_yMxc-8 (These guys are pretty cool and they're from right around here, love this video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4trBWTbzPw (at 1994 this must be German first-wave. Also featuring a REAL BLACK PERSON that they've imported from somewhere and oh my god a rapping Turkish Girl at 2:40)
Last time I was comparing I talked about how nice it is that nothing is standardized here. There's another side to that coin however, there is a safety in standardization. When you walk into a starbucks you can be sure that you're getting a good cup of coffee at a large size. I don't really drink coffee so I don't know how good this example is, but bare with me. If you order a coffee in a cafe in Germany you could be getting something the size of shot glass or a normal cup, something so black you can hardly drink it or something so light you can hardly taste it.
I feel like I'm getting really nit-picky now, but these small things add up. No one gives you water in Germany. I've been thirsty almost the whole time I've been here and that's because there are no public water fountains and no free drinks at restaurants. This might not sound much but it really adds up. Even when you do break down and order a water it's usually in a glass that would be called very small by American standards. The entire country must be dehydrated all the time.
And finally, and perhaps most importantly, the diversity of cultures in what I really miss. No matter how much it has strayed from it's origins America is still the melting pot. In Germany people have more or less agreed to one set of expectations, this is what makes much of what is so admirable about Germany possible. However you will never find a more diverse group of people in one country as you will in America. Interactions of culture are no where more complex and even better this is all encouraged.
Overall my explanation of these differences can be (over)simplified down to one point. America is young, Germany is old. America is still trying new things, changing, evolving. It is a living nation and it still has a lot of work ahead of it before it comes to rest with it's own place in the world and in history. The really exciting part of Germany's story is over. I say this not to be insulting, this is a good thing. It allows the country to run really smoothly and for it's people to have unparalleled comfort and security. Contrary to America, no one is saying that Germany is going to stop mattering within the next 10 to 20 years. Perhaps in a five hundred years America will look more like Germany, it's something worth aspiring to.
Castle Count: 10

Who's ready for another SCHLOSSSS?

Konstanz is no Berlin; it's a nice place to visit but it doesn't have all the big touristy things, the international culture, the museums and english language theaters. When I was there I was really just living there, not visiting. Consequently I had to get away from time to time.
On this particular day I took a ferry across the lake to Miersberg.
The other methods of transportation just weren't reasonable.
This was the place that V first lived when she moved to here from her sleepy industrial home town. Have to say I envy her, all I got was Storrs, Connecticut for my college experience.
But then again I do live in Florida, which is like paradise on earth to germans.
Miersberg is famous for basically the same reasons as Konstanz plus they make wine there *that is a wine place, above this text, I think.
So anyway, the other thing that this little town has is a schloss, the german word for castle, and I know that my castle count is very important to you guys. Here I am futily guessing at what number I am up to in front of it.
By the way, the castle count is at 9, but if I did this all in order and really counted all of them it's probably be at about 15. And to image I'd never seen a real castle before this whole thing.
V thinks I'll get sick of them eventually. Yeah, and she'll get sick of Florida eventually.
It just is going to take a little longer than 3 months when you've had your whole life without it.
I am already starting to miss Germany and I haven't even left yet

Happy St. Martin's Day!!!

Never heard of it? Don't be embarrassed, it's only the cutest holiday ever. Kids make paper lanterns and walk around the streets singing songs at night. As for who the hell St. Martin is, all I can piece together is that he gave a piece of his cloak to someone who was cold. Yeah, that's right, not even the whole thing, a piece. I guess it doesn't take much in these times to be a saint.
Ok, so back in blog land we're still in Ireland driving around in this rental car. Next stop? You'll never guess.
Ok, it's a castle. Castle Count: 8
To be honest I have no recollection of what this one was called or why we went there. I guess it was just on the way.
It looks pretty cool though, buried in the forest like that. Most castles tend to be in places of prominence, you know, so they can rule over things. Maybe the king of the jungle lived here (a lion?).

Writers, Ireland, and Writers from Ireland

Sure, we all know and love James Joyce, but did you know who else is an Irish writer? This enormous list of people that's who!
Oscar Wilde, William Butler Yeats, George Bernard Shaw, Samuel Beckett, Bram Stocker, Johnathan Swift. Yeah I guess all those books in English had to be written by someone and it sure as hell wasn't an American.
Even more impressive is Ireland actually seems to respect and care about it's writers. There are monuments everywhere and these cool quotes on buildings in midtown Dublin. Even the airport was adorned with literary figures.
This is (a very small piece of) Dublin's Castle. Now that I've been in Europe I know longer understand how cities function without a castle. Where does the king live if there's no castle?
It's a very serious place.
Yes, that's right "ORDER". You officially know not to mess around.
Not too serious back here though, they've painted it festive colors. Yes, they painted a castle. Love this city.
I should note that this is still a functional castle. In other words people still use this as some kind of government building. People have desk jobs here, in this castle.

Oh, and, by the way-
Castle Count - 7
In the spirit of the Irish I've decided to honor the writers I appreciate in an appropriate way (admit it, at the beginning of the sentence you thought this was gonna be another drinking joke). Thus I'm putting a list of other blogs that I enjoy on the right side of my page for you guys to peruse.

I know, I know "But Jesse" you think and say "all my emotiono-blogo-investment is in your wonderful blog you magnificent stallion and nobel prize winner". While this is true it can't hurt to have extra stuff to read on the internet right? Check them out some time. After you read mine.